There are 4 F’s when you feel threatened: fight, flight, freeze, and…fornicate. There can be a moment, when you feel threatened to the point where you may not survive, that you feel a sense of mental peace… that is, if you’re the type of person that goes into fight, like I do. In this moment, you stop fearing death; it either happens or it doesn’t, you give up control. Sure, you’re gonna do your best to try to make it not happen, but you give up control. There’s peace in that.
It just so happens that, without proper training, going into life threatening circumstances isn’t good for your overall health. There is, however, a principle that I picked up in these experiences. I never had control anyway. You don’t have control. Random things happen, and I can’t control people (hell, I don’t control myself half the time…what makes me think I’ll be able to control anyone else?). The only thing I have control over is my reactions to the circumstances… so give up control, and train your reactions.
Training can seem daunting, and, for those of us carrying some nasty emotional wounds, it may seem impossible. Maybe you stopped having the energy to keep fighting your own self recriminations. Well, that’s part of why I write this. God gave me the ability and time to work through a bunch of this and save you guys some of the time… you’re just welcome.
I was in the Marine Corps from 06-10 and, when I got out, I met men that allowed me to be broken and still chose to be beside me. Chuck Nelson, Garth Oliver, Tim Kubiak, and Mike Ober to name a few. From there, I was introduced to one of the most influential groups of my life: The Crucible Project. It was through that, and the men in it, where I first learned to start seeing myself (all of me) as loved. From there I met and joined the most bad ass men’s group I’ve been a part of: F3. I walk alongside men in all stages of life who lift me up, encourage, and push me in F3. I am highly addicted to F3. I have bad ass friends that walk alongside me in my journey… (I’ll throw in Taylor Neill’s name here, just because he’ll be butthurt if I don’t. He’s been with me through some of the nastiest shittiest times in my life, he has been a peaceful warrior in my life many times over). With all of that, plus the therapy I have undergone, I have picked up some tools that I use when I need them…training.
As I’ve said before, the first and most vital thing to understand is that you are loved. The first step is to truly and deeply know that you are loved. This can be really effin hard for people that haven’t felt love from people, however, it is the truth. You are loved. Now, I’m not shy about my Christianity, so I get to rest on promises that God has made for me, but what if you are not spiritual, or don’t believe in a god that loves you fully? You have to do it for yourself. Tricky, I know…you know exactly what you’ve done, you know exactly what you’ve thought about, you know the lies and betrayals. You know yourself, and you don’t like yourself. So, you’re screwed, right?
Wrong, because your actions are not who you are. Your actions don’t define who you are at your core, your identity. At your core you are not a failure, a fraud, a coward, an addict, a hider, a piece of shit…you are amazing. I have lied, but that doesn’t make my identity a liar. I have hurt others, but that’s not my identity. I have been addicted, but I refuse to let that define me. I want to be free from my own condemnation, I want to be fearless about how those around me think, and I want to be exactly where God wants me to be. That’s what I have decided my identity is. What do you decide? Will you let your actions or someone else’s word define you? Don’t do it. Don’t let yourself be defined by anything other than the knowledge that you are amazing, outside of anything.
I want you to try something. I want you to do a mental exercise where you imagine what it would be like if you didn’t live in fear. I want you to just fathom a world where you didn’t feel shame, or doubt, or guilt. I want you to try to imagine if you really weren’t defined by your actions or opinions. Hold that thought for a minute, hold it for a few seconds, just hold on to that thought and the feelings that come with it. If you can imagine that, you’re imagining freedom. In that freedom, I want you to look at yourself and think about what you may want to change or modify, and what you don’t want to change. In that freedom, imagine hugging yourself (God did this for me, I’d suggest that) because you are someone who deserves joy and good things. Not out of anything you’ve done, but because you are (because of what God has done for you, as I believe).
Take off the weights of shame and fear, it’s only you holding them. No one else has that power over you. Just like you give up control over others, they don’t (and never did) have control over you. Put them down. Join me in fearless freedom.
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